On top of all that, I mean, as insane as this may sound, that is only an infintessimalblink right now, because, although it does come to mind, I'm dealing with the reprecussions of something I did this weekend and it's really causing me a considerable amount of pain.
It was something that, at the same, was physically and emotionally gratifying,but in hindsight, mind not be worth this emptiness I am now feeling.
I've never been the type of person to hook up with someone that Iam not in a relationship with. I do assign emotion to a lot of my actions, physically, and I am very touchy with my friends because there is a certain fufilment and feeling of re-assurance in a hug, or being held, but when it's on a sexual level it penetrates to this deep and vulnerable level which,,, strikes at the core, you know? [that was not a pun. I swear. oh gosh. Kimisha where are you] I know this sounds cliche, but I find it hard to commit myself to an act, and remain detached from it. Invest nothing in it. It could be worse, I'm sure if I had feelings for the person I would be waaaay worse off, but at this point I'm really questioning how I feel about everything.
I do tend to assume feelings when I meet and connect to people of the opposite sex, at least until I have discerned whether or not said person and I will get together or be anything, and there are a lot of new men in my life so my brain is overwhelmed. It really is. I've thought for a long time that I know what I want: a relationship. One that will last for a while, in which I will open myself up and fall in love with someone and have it mean a lot. I stil want that, butI feel like my actions this weekend are not indicitive of that at all, and are not productive in my search for a significant other. I feel like maybe I'm having some sort of identity crisis. I'm straddling this gap between dependance andindependance and most of my friends are way past that and don't understand this crucial, crux I am in right now. gsdgsdgs.
Back to Saturday, I just. I instigated it to some degree. In all fairness, he propisitioned me earlier in the night but I think that is just in his nature, I'm not sure if I am special in any way, but I defintely kissed him, almost out of the blue, and proceeded to lie in bed and disclose my sexual history to him. I think me revealing how much of a virgin I am really suprised him, and it sparked a long conversation about the difference between sex and making love, sex and fucking, and so on. We were going to go to bed, I think, I mean I was completley sober but I didn't really end up sleeping so I was drunk with sleep, and then we kissed goodnight, and got distracted for a while.
I feel empty. I wish I knew him better so I could be honest and call him up and see how he feels. I mean I know he does stuff like this all the time, but he knew it bore some significance to me and I think that made it a tad more meaningful?
I don't know. ah. fg jjjjjjje ne sais pas.