I miss Pol.

the day where we played the piano's and I almost cried.

moar art of mine

a slew of my art

doodles

last art show I went to. another one tmw. should be interesting...

so.many.hipsters.

amelie is the love of ma vie

If you walk away I'll walk away


first tell me which road you will take

I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday

so you walk that way I'll walk this way



and the future hangs over our heads

and it moves with each current event

until it falls all around like a cold steady rain

just stay in when it's lookin' this way



and the moon's laying low in the sky

forcing everything metal to shine

and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case

they argue "walk this way," "no walk this way"



and Laura's asleep in my bed

as I'm leaving she wakes up and says

"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave

baby don't go away, come here"



and there's kids playing guns in the street

and one's pointing his tree branch at me

So I put my hands up I say:

"Enough is enough,

If you walk away I'll walk away."

(and he shot me dead)



I found a liquid cure

for my landlocked blues

it will pass away

like a slow parade

it's leaving but I don't know how soon



and the world's got me dizzy again

you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin

and it only feels worse when I stay in one place

so I'm always pacing around or walking away

I keep drinking the ink from my pen

and I'm balancing history books up on my head

but it all boils down to one quotable phrase

"If you love something give it away"

A good woman will pick you apart

a box full of suggestions for your possible heart

But you may be offended, and you may be afraid

but don't walk away, don't walk away



We made love on the living room floor

with the noise in the background from a televised war

And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say

"If we walk away, they’ll walk away"

But greed is a bottomless pit

And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss

And the whole world must watch the sad comic display

If you're still free start runnin' away

'cause we're comin' for ya!



I've grown tired of holding this pose

I feel more like a stranger each time I come home

So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame

Sayin' let me walk away, please

You'll be free child once you have died

from the shackles of language and measurable time

And then we can trade places, play musical graves

till then walk away walk away walk away walk away

So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes

I just want to make a clean escape

I'm leaving but I don't know where to

I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to

got super depressed last night. drowned in rain. then, just like that, made a ton of art and feel better.



my art.

When I was a girl,


I used to think that behind every door

Their lay two possibilities,

And depending on the exact second I turned the handle,

The precise moment I twisted the knob,

each minuet detail would align

deciding which reality I would open the door into.

I would sit in my room,

Pre-occupied with youth,

But always watching that door through the corner of my eye,

Waiting for the eventuality of someone bursting through it

carrying their life and their reality, their individual complexity, with them.

I would marvel, my eyes flecked with the sheer wonder

Of such spectacular power,

And be caught in these moments of reverence,

Where I would submit to my lack of control,

And pledge, my faith adamantine.

Sometimes it would get in the way of my going-ons,

As this asphyxiating anxiety would cause me to stand, motionless,

Behind that inanimate frame of wood for hours on end,

Worried that the current of life I drifted on through the door,

Would not be the right one.

Albeit, this turned out to be one of those phases

That plague the fantastical minds of a child,

And as I grew older and dismissed many of the frivolities of youth,

So I dismissed this notion as well.

But I could not escape it,

As it lay inside of me as a dormant, but malignant thought,

And it eventually manifested itself into an evolved

Fascination with spontaneity.

I slipped cautiously through life,

Always aware of the significance of that door,

And how it could change,

It could pervert,

Everything.

One day I met a man,

Who skin stretched across his face like a lazy alabaster reminder,

And he took my hands,

And together we traced the lines of his skin.

I noticed the quantum effluence of his geography,

And the collective

Other times I notice the authority of his voice,

As if inside his mind there is a door,

And behind is lays a vast expanse of water,

Perfectly still in its rationality.

Sometimes I hold discourse with myself

To gauge the inequity of my

Thoughts, and I often arrive at the same conclusion:

That in his expanse of still rationality

I am the undercurrent masked by layers of opaque convenience,

because I find it impossible to stop moving,

Because there are always things that I am running from,

And there are more things that I am running to.

And sometimes I tell him, that I think

That people, apologize, too much, for their sadness,

And that I don’t believe in make-up,

Because I think every person should wear

Their sorrows like thick black eyeliner.

I'm in this sort of weird mood where
I'm sort of balanced
but also sort of numb and could burst into fervent tears at any moment.

do you want to know one of the most painful things I have ever experienced?
being told me someone that you truly care about and feel a very deep, powerful connection with, that they feel like they haven't been able to connect with anyone.

Emma

I remember what he tastes like. I don't know if I am capable of erasing that.

I'm sick, and we all know what that means.
Maybe not.
Well, I typically get sick every six months, am bed-ridden, and sink into sadness.
It's terrifying.
The apprehension and fright of alienation breaks my heart.
Plus I had plans last night tonight and tommorow, and am having to cancel them.
That pains me.
Socially, I'm not sure what it will take for me to be secure in my friendships, longeivity, I suppose.

Eric est mon amour.

My pal Kate.

Bring me sunflowers and bring me a landscape of clouds, and rain.

On top of all that, I mean, as insane as this may sound, that is only an infintessimalblink right now, because, although it does come to mind, I'm dealing with the reprecussions of something I did this weekend and it's really causing me a considerable amount of pain.
It was something that, at the same, was physically and emotionally gratifying,but in hindsight, mind not be worth this emptiness I am now feeling.
I've never been the type of person to hook up with someone that Iam not in a relationship with. I do assign emotion to a lot of my actions, physically, and I am very touchy with my friends because there is a certain fufilment and feeling of re-assurance in a hug, or being held, but when it's on a sexual level it penetrates to this deep and vulnerable level which,,, strikes at the core, you know? [that was not a pun. I swear. oh gosh. Kimisha where are you] I know this sounds cliche, but I find it hard to commit myself to an act, and remain detached from it. Invest nothing in it. It could be worse, I'm sure if I had feelings for the person I would be waaaay worse off, but at this point I'm really questioning how I feel about everything.
I do tend to assume feelings when I meet and connect to people of the opposite sex, at least until I have discerned whether or not said person and I will get together or be anything, and there are a lot of new men in my life so my brain is overwhelmed. It really is. I've thought for a long time that I know what I want: a relationship. One that will last for a while, in which I will open myself up and fall in love with someone and have it mean a lot. I stil want that, butI feel like my actions this weekend are not indicitive of that at all, and are not productive in my search for a significant other. I feel like maybe I'm having some sort of identity crisis. I'm straddling this gap between dependance andindependance and most of my friends are way past that and don't understand this crucial, crux I am in right now. gsdgsdgs.
Back to Saturday, I just. I instigated it to some degree. In all fairness, he propisitioned me earlier in the night but I think that is just in his nature, I'm not sure if I am special in any way, but I defintely kissed him, almost out of the blue, and proceeded to lie in bed and disclose my sexual history to him. I think me revealing how much of a virgin I am really suprised him, and it sparked a long conversation about the difference between sex and making love, sex and fucking, and so on. We were going to go to bed, I think, I mean I was completley sober but I didn't really end up sleeping so I was drunk with sleep, and then we kissed goodnight, and got distracted for a while.
I feel empty. I wish I knew him better so I could be honest and call him up and see how he feels. I mean I know he does stuff like this all the time, but he knew it bore some significance to me and I think that made it a tad more meaningful?
I don't know. ah. fg jjjjjjje ne sais pas.

There are so many ironies in the world. Some of the most sensitive people I know are capable of being the most insensitive, and I feel like I am experiencing the full brute force of that right now.
When I befriend people and feel a really great connection with them I do invest a lot in them, and become quite attached to said person, and it really hurts, an inexplicable amount, when you trust, and truly care, for someone, and are constantly reminded of the fact that either a) they don't feel the same way or b) just take you for grantedto a ludicrous degree. I listen to him, and try to help him in all these situations, and he laments about wanting to find a connection , one which I legitametely thought we had. asdasd.
I don't know what to think. I mean, rationality doesn't even come into this, just, compassion.
My heart hurts.
And me being confrontational about this will only cause pain and not be productive, so I have to internalize it.
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