these are not mine.

I reallylove conversations. Like, I know most people just think of them as like, talking or whatever, for a while, but I think that as anti-social and introverted as I try to convince myself that I am, there is something about talking and tapping into another human being for an extended amount of time that really appeals to me.
I just passed two hours like THAT.

this Jesus guy is sort of, apt.

on the floor of my bedroom, bathed in the blue glow of my computer screen.
wednesdays always catch me up in their centred/un-centred mentality.

Seaweed from Tell No One on Vimeo.

yesterday I was incredibly selfish.
man oh man.
basically I revelled in my own problems as opposed to trying to look past them for the benefit of others.
I had a breakdown as well.
it was nuts.
andd i ran into the rain.
and the rain was cold
and I was cold
and it was quiet
and my mind was loud
but the noisy silence
calmed me.

today was good, yesterday was bad. and so it goes.
people float in and float out.
so do idea's, thoughts, moments,
they move with the wind,
a beautiful fluidity,
that as I accept,
becomes more predictable in nature.

(When I reach the pearly gates, this'll be on my videotape)

THAT CAT WAS MAD INTROSPECTIVE.

I used to sleep at night

Before the flashing light settled deep in my brain



I'm tired. I don't think I've got a good nights sleep in a while, and to that matter, a good nights worth of sleep in the past week.
Yet, despite that, despite the fact that my chest has some angry man living inside it that spews up mucus and is coughing a lot, I am in a really good place.
I feel like when I entered college I had all these expectations about people, and men, and life, and relationships and friendships that I thought would be fufilled quite quickly, and when I didn't make many friends the first days, admittadly, I was down, but now things are sort of working out like I imagine them to and better.
I was dumb. That should really be my mantra. That I say BEFORE going into something so I don't have to do the whole hindsight reflection upon the true dumb-ness of it all. Anywho, I wanted to get into a relationship, and I sort of approached it like "it doesn't matter who it's with, as long as it's a person who i sort of like.. we can fall in love, and it can be malleable and maybe turn into something different."
Incidentally, that's not how it works. So the first guy who showed interest, and who, subsequently, I was interested in, it took me about two weeks to realize the lack of things in common/any general attraction on my behalf.
You would think that I learnt my lesson with him, but alas, I must make my mistakes twice, apparently.
I also started having feelings for someone who was a lot more like me, who I was/am attracted too, but who has faults that are important faults, not trivial one's, and which I tried to ignore. Unfortunately, theey are now too prevalent.
Through all that fumbling and mess, I met Jen. She's all ready fallen into the category of "one of the first people I would call", which for those who aren't of this generation, means that you rely/trust/like them a lot.
Jen is a wonderful representation of a solid individual with a good sense of self, and she's helping me come into my own in those terms.
I also met Kate. She's really nice, lives on the drive, is a bit of a hipster.
I mean there are many acquantinces as well, but there's also Kimisha, a hilarious guy in my french class,
and pretty much as of yesterday, I've become good friends with Greg. I'm not sure what constitutes a good friend. I mean, is it longevity? Is it more of a feeling of trust? How well you get along?
I mean I have two for three with him, and ended up sort of acidentally/not really accidentally because I don't mind being open, told him all these crazy things about my life and ended up having this crazy emotional verbal vomit that left me feeling... weak.. but it was also nice. It's something that came very naturally, it wasn't be forcing it in order to become friends, it was more, I am comfertable with saying this in x situation and will therefore say it.
The point of this rant, which is probably too personal for the internet, but fuck that, is that I am good, merci, et toi?
I mean, I feel the sadness sometimes, it hovers on the periphary, it comes about when I'm sick or alone, but the point is that there are these amazing people coming into my life who are older, and more mature, and real people, and they're helping this whole growing process accelerate. And I don't feel the growing pains, the negative reprecussions are yet to reveal themselves to me.
I have english in seven minutes, and I have to pee, so I must go. But this was fun. Lets do this again sometime?

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129198985

Every night I tell myself, I am the Cosmos.

Eulogy
by PAUL GUEST

So that this will seem like words between
old friends, I'll say it was painless.
And quick. I'll say it was mercy
and behind my face where I put
things like The Truth and dreams about
supernovae, I'll try to mean it.
But it was his time, we should all admit.
Shouldn't we, who loved him
the way we love traffic
and cell phones during spectacular sex
and the degradations of puberty,
shouldn't we all feel
as though light were swelling within us,
inflaming us? Tell me where
you were when you heard
but tell me later, much later,
the kind of later mathematicians get excited about.
By then memory will have torn
away from my body like a scab
I'll no longer have to pick at
and I'll listen to you like a stethoscope.
It will be good for my heart.
It will be good for your heart.
In the air of that deferred spring
we'll be healthy, speaking
of an ancient wound neither of us
really remember, except
that by starlight we promised
to honor this question mark
in the periodic sentence of our lives.
Whatever you say, remember
that we cried. The dead love that we weep,
that we stain ourselves with
salt, that we become for a moment
indistinguishable from the sea,
that our shining faces rock with grief.

If I was young,

I'd flee this town.

There, there is a house

A wonderful lover

a beautiful mind.

Borderline.

Victoria.

Man you got a lot of jokes to tell.

Two of the most well written books ever.