today was good, yesterday was bad. and so it goes.
people float in and float out.
so do idea's, thoughts, moments,
they move with the wind,
a beautiful fluidity,
that as I accept,
becomes more predictable in nature.
10.08.2010
10.05.2010
I'm tired. I don't think I've got a good nights sleep in a while, and to that matter, a good nights worth of sleep in the past week.
Yet, despite that, despite the fact that my chest has some angry man living inside it that spews up mucus and is coughing a lot, I am in a really good place.
I feel like when I entered college I had all these expectations about people, and men, and life, and relationships and friendships that I thought would be fufilled quite quickly, and when I didn't make many friends the first days, admittadly, I was down, but now things are sort of working out like I imagine them to and better.
I was dumb. That should really be my mantra. That I say BEFORE going into something so I don't have to do the whole hindsight reflection upon the true dumb-ness of it all. Anywho, I wanted to get into a relationship, and I sort of approached it like "it doesn't matter who it's with, as long as it's a person who i sort of like.. we can fall in love, and it can be malleable and maybe turn into something different."
Incidentally, that's not how it works. So the first guy who showed interest, and who, subsequently, I was interested in, it took me about two weeks to realize the lack of things in common/any general attraction on my behalf.
You would think that I learnt my lesson with him, but alas, I must make my mistakes twice, apparently.
I also started having feelings for someone who was a lot more like me, who I was/am attracted too, but who has faults that are important faults, not trivial one's, and which I tried to ignore. Unfortunately, theey are now too prevalent.
Through all that fumbling and mess, I met Jen. She's all ready fallen into the category of "one of the first people I would call", which for those who aren't of this generation, means that you rely/trust/like them a lot.
Jen is a wonderful representation of a solid individual with a good sense of self, and she's helping me come into my own in those terms.
I also met Kate. She's really nice, lives on the drive, is a bit of a hipster.
I mean there are many acquantinces as well, but there's also Kimisha, a hilarious guy in my french class,
and pretty much as of yesterday, I've become good friends with Greg. I'm not sure what constitutes a good friend. I mean, is it longevity? Is it more of a feeling of trust? How well you get along?
I mean I have two for three with him, and ended up sort of acidentally/not really accidentally because I don't mind being open, told him all these crazy things about my life and ended up having this crazy emotional verbal vomit that left me feeling... weak.. but it was also nice. It's something that came very naturally, it wasn't be forcing it in order to become friends, it was more, I am comfertable with saying this in x situation and will therefore say it.
The point of this rant, which is probably too personal for the internet, but fuck that, is that I am good, merci, et toi?
I mean, I feel the sadness sometimes, it hovers on the periphary, it comes about when I'm sick or alone, but the point is that there are these amazing people coming into my life who are older, and more mature, and real people, and they're helping this whole growing process accelerate. And I don't feel the growing pains, the negative reprecussions are yet to reveal themselves to me.
I have english in seven minutes, and I have to pee, so I must go. But this was fun. Lets do this again sometime?
Yet, despite that, despite the fact that my chest has some angry man living inside it that spews up mucus and is coughing a lot, I am in a really good place.
I feel like when I entered college I had all these expectations about people, and men, and life, and relationships and friendships that I thought would be fufilled quite quickly, and when I didn't make many friends the first days, admittadly, I was down, but now things are sort of working out like I imagine them to and better.
I was dumb. That should really be my mantra. That I say BEFORE going into something so I don't have to do the whole hindsight reflection upon the true dumb-ness of it all. Anywho, I wanted to get into a relationship, and I sort of approached it like "it doesn't matter who it's with, as long as it's a person who i sort of like.. we can fall in love, and it can be malleable and maybe turn into something different."
Incidentally, that's not how it works. So the first guy who showed interest, and who, subsequently, I was interested in, it took me about two weeks to realize the lack of things in common/any general attraction on my behalf.
You would think that I learnt my lesson with him, but alas, I must make my mistakes twice, apparently.
I also started having feelings for someone who was a lot more like me, who I was/am attracted too, but who has faults that are important faults, not trivial one's, and which I tried to ignore. Unfortunately, theey are now too prevalent.
Through all that fumbling and mess, I met Jen. She's all ready fallen into the category of "one of the first people I would call", which for those who aren't of this generation, means that you rely/trust/like them a lot.
Jen is a wonderful representation of a solid individual with a good sense of self, and she's helping me come into my own in those terms.
I also met Kate. She's really nice, lives on the drive, is a bit of a hipster.
I mean there are many acquantinces as well, but there's also Kimisha, a hilarious guy in my french class,
and pretty much as of yesterday, I've become good friends with Greg. I'm not sure what constitutes a good friend. I mean, is it longevity? Is it more of a feeling of trust? How well you get along?
I mean I have two for three with him, and ended up sort of acidentally/not really accidentally because I don't mind being open, told him all these crazy things about my life and ended up having this crazy emotional verbal vomit that left me feeling... weak.. but it was also nice. It's something that came very naturally, it wasn't be forcing it in order to become friends, it was more, I am comfertable with saying this in x situation and will therefore say it.
The point of this rant, which is probably too personal for the internet, but fuck that, is that I am good, merci, et toi?
I mean, I feel the sadness sometimes, it hovers on the periphary, it comes about when I'm sick or alone, but the point is that there are these amazing people coming into my life who are older, and more mature, and real people, and they're helping this whole growing process accelerate. And I don't feel the growing pains, the negative reprecussions are yet to reveal themselves to me.
I have english in seven minutes, and I have to pee, so I must go. But this was fun. Lets do this again sometime?
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