I miss Pol.
11.14.2010
If you walk away I'll walk away
first tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk that way I'll walk this way
and the future hangs over our heads
and it moves with each current event
until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
just stay in when it's lookin' this way
and the moon's laying low in the sky
forcing everything metal to shine
and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
they argue "walk this way," "no walk this way"
and Laura's asleep in my bed
as I'm leaving she wakes up and says
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
baby don't go away, come here"
and there's kids playing guns in the street
and one's pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say:
"Enough is enough,
If you walk away I'll walk away."
(and he shot me dead)
I found a liquid cure
for my landlocked blues
it will pass away
like a slow parade
it's leaving but I don't know how soon
and the world's got me dizzy again
you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
and it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so I'm always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
and I'm balancing history books up on my head
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something give it away"
A good woman will pick you apart
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended, and you may be afraid
but don't walk away, don't walk away
We made love on the living room floor
with the noise in the background from a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
"If we walk away, they’ll walk away"
But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free start runnin' away
'cause we're comin' for ya!
I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Sayin' let me walk away, please
You'll be free child once you have died
from the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
till then walk away walk away walk away walk away
So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to
first tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk that way I'll walk this way
and the future hangs over our heads
and it moves with each current event
until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
just stay in when it's lookin' this way
and the moon's laying low in the sky
forcing everything metal to shine
and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
they argue "walk this way," "no walk this way"
and Laura's asleep in my bed
as I'm leaving she wakes up and says
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
baby don't go away, come here"
and there's kids playing guns in the street
and one's pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say:
"Enough is enough,
If you walk away I'll walk away."
(and he shot me dead)
I found a liquid cure
for my landlocked blues
it will pass away
like a slow parade
it's leaving but I don't know how soon
and the world's got me dizzy again
you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
and it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so I'm always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
and I'm balancing history books up on my head
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something give it away"
A good woman will pick you apart
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended, and you may be afraid
but don't walk away, don't walk away
We made love on the living room floor
with the noise in the background from a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
"If we walk away, they’ll walk away"
But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free start runnin' away
'cause we're comin' for ya!
I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Sayin' let me walk away, please
You'll be free child once you have died
from the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
till then walk away walk away walk away walk away
So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to
11.09.2010
When I was a girl,
I used to think that behind every door
Their lay two possibilities,
And depending on the exact second I turned the handle,
The precise moment I twisted the knob,
each minuet detail would align
deciding which reality I would open the door into.
I would sit in my room,
Pre-occupied with youth,
But always watching that door through the corner of my eye,
Waiting for the eventuality of someone bursting through it
carrying their life and their reality, their individual complexity, with them.
I would marvel, my eyes flecked with the sheer wonder
Of such spectacular power,
And be caught in these moments of reverence,
Where I would submit to my lack of control,
And pledge, my faith adamantine.
Sometimes it would get in the way of my going-ons,
As this asphyxiating anxiety would cause me to stand, motionless,
Behind that inanimate frame of wood for hours on end,
Worried that the current of life I drifted on through the door,
Would not be the right one.
Albeit, this turned out to be one of those phases
That plague the fantastical minds of a child,
And as I grew older and dismissed many of the frivolities of youth,
So I dismissed this notion as well.
But I could not escape it,
As it lay inside of me as a dormant, but malignant thought,
And it eventually manifested itself into an evolved
Fascination with spontaneity.
I slipped cautiously through life,
Always aware of the significance of that door,
And how it could change,
It could pervert,
Everything.
One day I met a man,
Who skin stretched across his face like a lazy alabaster reminder,
And he took my hands,
And together we traced the lines of his skin.
I noticed the quantum effluence of his geography,
And the collective
Other times I notice the authority of his voice,
As if inside his mind there is a door,
And behind is lays a vast expanse of water,
Perfectly still in its rationality.
Sometimes I hold discourse with myself
To gauge the inequity of my
Thoughts, and I often arrive at the same conclusion:
That in his expanse of still rationality
I am the undercurrent masked by layers of opaque convenience,
because I find it impossible to stop moving,
Because there are always things that I am running from,
And there are more things that I am running to.
And sometimes I tell him, that I think
That people, apologize, too much, for their sadness,
And that I don’t believe in make-up,
Because I think every person should wear
Their sorrows like thick black eyeliner.
I used to think that behind every door
Their lay two possibilities,
And depending on the exact second I turned the handle,
The precise moment I twisted the knob,
each minuet detail would align
deciding which reality I would open the door into.
I would sit in my room,
Pre-occupied with youth,
But always watching that door through the corner of my eye,
Waiting for the eventuality of someone bursting through it
carrying their life and their reality, their individual complexity, with them.
I would marvel, my eyes flecked with the sheer wonder
Of such spectacular power,
And be caught in these moments of reverence,
Where I would submit to my lack of control,
And pledge, my faith adamantine.
Sometimes it would get in the way of my going-ons,
As this asphyxiating anxiety would cause me to stand, motionless,
Behind that inanimate frame of wood for hours on end,
Worried that the current of life I drifted on through the door,
Would not be the right one.
Albeit, this turned out to be one of those phases
That plague the fantastical minds of a child,
And as I grew older and dismissed many of the frivolities of youth,
So I dismissed this notion as well.
But I could not escape it,
As it lay inside of me as a dormant, but malignant thought,
And it eventually manifested itself into an evolved
Fascination with spontaneity.
I slipped cautiously through life,
Always aware of the significance of that door,
And how it could change,
It could pervert,
Everything.
One day I met a man,
Who skin stretched across his face like a lazy alabaster reminder,
And he took my hands,
And together we traced the lines of his skin.
I noticed the quantum effluence of his geography,
And the collective
Other times I notice the authority of his voice,
As if inside his mind there is a door,
And behind is lays a vast expanse of water,
Perfectly still in its rationality.
Sometimes I hold discourse with myself
To gauge the inequity of my
Thoughts, and I often arrive at the same conclusion:
That in his expanse of still rationality
I am the undercurrent masked by layers of opaque convenience,
because I find it impossible to stop moving,
Because there are always things that I am running from,
And there are more things that I am running to.
And sometimes I tell him, that I think
That people, apologize, too much, for their sadness,
And that I don’t believe in make-up,
Because I think every person should wear
Their sorrows like thick black eyeliner.
11.05.2010
I'm sick, and we all know what that means.
Maybe not.
Well, I typically get sick every six months, am bed-ridden, and sink into sadness.
It's terrifying.
The apprehension and fright of alienation breaks my heart.
Plus I had plans last night tonight and tommorow, and am having to cancel them.
That pains me.
Socially, I'm not sure what it will take for me to be secure in my friendships, longeivity, I suppose.
Maybe not.
Well, I typically get sick every six months, am bed-ridden, and sink into sadness.
It's terrifying.
The apprehension and fright of alienation breaks my heart.
Plus I had plans last night tonight and tommorow, and am having to cancel them.
That pains me.
Socially, I'm not sure what it will take for me to be secure in my friendships, longeivity, I suppose.
11.03.2010
11.01.2010
On top of all that, I mean, as insane as this may sound, that is only an infintessimalblink right now, because, although it does come to mind, I'm dealing with the reprecussions of something I did this weekend and it's really causing me a considerable amount of pain.
It was something that, at the same, was physically and emotionally gratifying,but in hindsight, mind not be worth this emptiness I am now feeling.
I've never been the type of person to hook up with someone that Iam not in a relationship with. I do assign emotion to a lot of my actions, physically, and I am very touchy with my friends because there is a certain fufilment and feeling of re-assurance in a hug, or being held, but when it's on a sexual level it penetrates to this deep and vulnerable level which,,, strikes at the core, you know? [that was not a pun. I swear. oh gosh. Kimisha where are you] I know this sounds cliche, but I find it hard to commit myself to an act, and remain detached from it. Invest nothing in it. It could be worse, I'm sure if I had feelings for the person I would be waaaay worse off, but at this point I'm really questioning how I feel about everything.
I do tend to assume feelings when I meet and connect to people of the opposite sex, at least until I have discerned whether or not said person and I will get together or be anything, and there are a lot of new men in my life so my brain is overwhelmed. It really is. I've thought for a long time that I know what I want: a relationship. One that will last for a while, in which I will open myself up and fall in love with someone and have it mean a lot. I stil want that, butI feel like my actions this weekend are not indicitive of that at all, and are not productive in my search for a significant other. I feel like maybe I'm having some sort of identity crisis. I'm straddling this gap between dependance andindependance and most of my friends are way past that and don't understand this crucial, crux I am in right now. gsdgsdgs.
Back to Saturday, I just. I instigated it to some degree. In all fairness, he propisitioned me earlier in the night but I think that is just in his nature, I'm not sure if I am special in any way, but I defintely kissed him, almost out of the blue, and proceeded to lie in bed and disclose my sexual history to him. I think me revealing how much of a virgin I am really suprised him, and it sparked a long conversation about the difference between sex and making love, sex and fucking, and so on. We were going to go to bed, I think, I mean I was completley sober but I didn't really end up sleeping so I was drunk with sleep, and then we kissed goodnight, and got distracted for a while.
I feel empty. I wish I knew him better so I could be honest and call him up and see how he feels. I mean I know he does stuff like this all the time, but he knew it bore some significance to me and I think that made it a tad more meaningful?
I don't know. ah. fg jjjjjjje ne sais pas.
It was something that, at the same, was physically and emotionally gratifying,but in hindsight, mind not be worth this emptiness I am now feeling.
I've never been the type of person to hook up with someone that Iam not in a relationship with. I do assign emotion to a lot of my actions, physically, and I am very touchy with my friends because there is a certain fufilment and feeling of re-assurance in a hug, or being held, but when it's on a sexual level it penetrates to this deep and vulnerable level which,,, strikes at the core, you know? [that was not a pun. I swear. oh gosh. Kimisha where are you] I know this sounds cliche, but I find it hard to commit myself to an act, and remain detached from it. Invest nothing in it. It could be worse, I'm sure if I had feelings for the person I would be waaaay worse off, but at this point I'm really questioning how I feel about everything.
I do tend to assume feelings when I meet and connect to people of the opposite sex, at least until I have discerned whether or not said person and I will get together or be anything, and there are a lot of new men in my life so my brain is overwhelmed. It really is. I've thought for a long time that I know what I want: a relationship. One that will last for a while, in which I will open myself up and fall in love with someone and have it mean a lot. I stil want that, butI feel like my actions this weekend are not indicitive of that at all, and are not productive in my search for a significant other. I feel like maybe I'm having some sort of identity crisis. I'm straddling this gap between dependance andindependance and most of my friends are way past that and don't understand this crucial, crux I am in right now. gsdgsdgs.
Back to Saturday, I just. I instigated it to some degree. In all fairness, he propisitioned me earlier in the night but I think that is just in his nature, I'm not sure if I am special in any way, but I defintely kissed him, almost out of the blue, and proceeded to lie in bed and disclose my sexual history to him. I think me revealing how much of a virgin I am really suprised him, and it sparked a long conversation about the difference between sex and making love, sex and fucking, and so on. We were going to go to bed, I think, I mean I was completley sober but I didn't really end up sleeping so I was drunk with sleep, and then we kissed goodnight, and got distracted for a while.
I feel empty. I wish I knew him better so I could be honest and call him up and see how he feels. I mean I know he does stuff like this all the time, but he knew it bore some significance to me and I think that made it a tad more meaningful?
I don't know. ah. fg jjjjjjje ne sais pas.
There are so many ironies in the world. Some of the most sensitive people I know are capable of being the most insensitive, and I feel like I am experiencing the full brute force of that right now.
When I befriend people and feel a really great connection with them I do invest a lot in them, and become quite attached to said person, and it really hurts, an inexplicable amount, when you trust, and truly care, for someone, and are constantly reminded of the fact that either a) they don't feel the same way or b) just take you for grantedto a ludicrous degree. I listen to him, and try to help him in all these situations, and he laments about wanting to find a connection , one which I legitametely thought we had. asdasd.
I don't know what to think. I mean, rationality doesn't even come into this, just, compassion.
My heart hurts.
And me being confrontational about this will only cause pain and not be productive, so I have to internalize it.
://////////////////////////////////////
When I befriend people and feel a really great connection with them I do invest a lot in them, and become quite attached to said person, and it really hurts, an inexplicable amount, when you trust, and truly care, for someone, and are constantly reminded of the fact that either a) they don't feel the same way or b) just take you for grantedto a ludicrous degree. I listen to him, and try to help him in all these situations, and he laments about wanting to find a connection , one which I legitametely thought we had. asdasd.
I don't know what to think. I mean, rationality doesn't even come into this, just, compassion.
My heart hurts.
And me being confrontational about this will only cause pain and not be productive, so I have to internalize it.
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